Does anyone own a piece of technology?
I do. I admit it. I own a piece of metal and wires and chips and whatever the hell goes into electronics. I like to think magic and spells goes into each piece. We'll never know.
In other news, I have NO IDEA how those things work. Muchas cosas en the United States. I blame Asia. Asians are always creating some top-of-the-line mechanical or electronic device that is teeny tiny and can slide out of my hand on its own accord (having nothing to do with my clumsiness).
You know how some people are phobic of certain events, material things, situations or ailments? For instance, some people are agoraphobic (afraid of spiders). Some people are germaphobic (afraid of germs). Some people are xenophobic (afraid of sexyhottness). Well, para mi, I am afraid of technology. I have, and probably always will be, afraid of technology.
Anytime anyone comes over and whips out their new gadget, I make myself scarce. I become like a 14 year old boy from the Bible belt at a sorority house. I start sweating, my palms itch, I have trouble swallowing, I can't think straight, my voice becomes coarse---all the usual ailments that come with phobias. I just gotta get out of there. Clearly, this is the normal response to technology.
The biggest problem is APPLE. The Mac/Apple company is always inventing some new, tiny, expensive, pretty and white machine to buy.
For one, I am like a bull in a china shop. I am a 5' 2" lumberjack on roller skates, who doesn't do lumberjack outdoorsy activities. As this lumberjack, I am going to DROP any small tiny thing that requires handheld attention. Secondly, white? Really. Could they pick a more dirt-attracting color? I am messy. At any point-in-time, I have ketchup on my hands and dirt on my palms. I understand some of their toys are black, or pink, whatever. But, mostly, they are white.
I am actually quite jealous of all of these new toys. But, I don't need them and I definitely can't afford them. I wouldn't know what to do with all of these new toys, except parade them around in a Ziploc bag, unused.
I'm sure that I deleted Itunes off of my computer a year or two ago. I am a Windows Media Player aficionado. No street rep there, but definite accessibility. All I am saying, PC USERS UNITE. Also, MP3 player users unite. Macs can have their cool club, we as PC users need to develop a club, that is all I'm sayin'.
Imagine what would go on at THOSE meetings.
Call to Order
Singing of PC song:
(Hail to thee, Oh dear P.C, Hail to thee Oh Hail. Ease and Honor you have brought us, Hail to Thee, Oh Hail).
New Business
Old Business
Discussion
Departure....including holding and praising and bowing of the personal computer of choice.
Showing posts with label Englishman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Englishman. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Just don't do it.
This is dedicated to all the workers out there.
I have been neglecting my blog for the past week (the Thanksgiving "holiday" took up all of my time). Plus, our computer is as old as time, so that didn't help the bloggin'. Lo siento, kids.
Ok, after seeing a commercial that I thought was hilarious, I decided to do an exposèe on this topic. (COPYRIGHT WARNING: THIS IS NOT MY IDEA, IT WAS OFF OF A NEW BOARDGAME: I'M JUST REVAMPING THE IDEA).
Ok: Things NOT to do on your first day at work:
1. Kick the boss.
Just don't do it. You don't bite the one who feeds you. Animals know it and so should you.
2. Sleep.
Sleepy time is not work time. People are going to think you have a drinking problem; get a good night sleep. Believe me....I am a big sleeper, so I know how tough this is.
3. Wear your hippie costume from the recent "Herb Exchange" at the local head shop.
Self explanatory. Don't do it. Unless you're working for the Head Shop or as a lobbyist for Students for a Sensible Drug Policy or the Federation of People Who Like To Dye Things.....don't wear your "I love Drugs and Alcohol" t-shirt.
4. Do not recite the verses to the theme song from Star Trek: Next Generation.
I learned this one the hard way.
Nerds unite!
5. Do not trash talk your dumbass coworkers.
There is plenty of time to diss those brainless, self-righteous people with whom you share workspace. The first day is not the time for this.
6. Don't eat other people's food in the fridge.
And definitely don't tell them about how great it was. Especially if it is chocolate or sandwich related. If it looks shady, it's fair game (in my opinion).
7. Don't photograph the infamous Black Book. Definitely don't hand it out, post it, send it out in a memo. If anything, you should keep it under lock and key under your bed AT HOME.
Black Book material should not be shared the first day. No. Don't do it.
8. Jell-o someone's stapler.
Clever idea. Beautiful for The Office, the television show, as seen on NBC, and its affiliates. Not acceptable for work use and definitely not for the first day of work.
9. Don't string all of the paper clips together.
This is a multi-faceted, very complex issue:
A. Come on. That's a bitchass move. Funny for a minute, I'll give ya that....but after a minute, it becomes weird.
B. Really? Your first day? You're gonna do that the first day?
C. At least act like you're busy. It's your first day, let's not piss anyone off.
Overall, it looks pretty, but it is not cool.
10. Find your university's rival and then pick a fight.
A. Rarely does anyone care about College Athletics after college.
B. NOT ON THE FIRST DAY.
C. You're gonna look like an idiot reciting all of the statistics from the last 3 seasons to someone who probably just happened to go to Big University.
D. If they did care, they probably wouldn't know anything about the sport, etc, nowadays.
E. You're gonna look like a tool.
11. Make out with the office hottie/stud.
Even if it is not the office hottie/stud (and just an available, loose-lipped person)...don't do it.
Probably best left to day number two. This is also correlated with the Number 7 previously mentioned. If you're gonna do it....do it in the coat closet (still wait for Day Number Two). Or do it on your lunch break (get a lunch out of it too).
12. Politics....religion....
That's an obvious thing not to mention on the first day. Especially if you're working for a big business, they are probably Republican and not interested in your feelings toward the oppressed minorities. They got scrilla to make.
Overall: Appearance and Behavior is key.
I have been neglecting my blog for the past week (the Thanksgiving "holiday" took up all of my time). Plus, our computer is as old as time, so that didn't help the bloggin'. Lo siento, kids.
Ok, after seeing a commercial that I thought was hilarious, I decided to do an exposèe on this topic. (COPYRIGHT WARNING: THIS IS NOT MY IDEA, IT WAS OFF OF A NEW BOARDGAME: I'M JUST REVAMPING THE IDEA).
Ok: Things NOT to do on your first day at work:
1. Kick the boss.
Just don't do it. You don't bite the one who feeds you. Animals know it and so should you.
2. Sleep.
Sleepy time is not work time. People are going to think you have a drinking problem; get a good night sleep. Believe me....I am a big sleeper, so I know how tough this is.
3. Wear your hippie costume from the recent "Herb Exchange" at the local head shop.
Self explanatory. Don't do it. Unless you're working for the Head Shop or as a lobbyist for Students for a Sensible Drug Policy or the Federation of People Who Like To Dye Things.....don't wear your "I love Drugs and Alcohol" t-shirt.
4. Do not recite the verses to the theme song from Star Trek: Next Generation.
I learned this one the hard way.
Nerds unite!
5. Do not trash talk your dumbass coworkers.
There is plenty of time to diss those brainless, self-righteous people with whom you share workspace. The first day is not the time for this.
6. Don't eat other people's food in the fridge.
And definitely don't tell them about how great it was. Especially if it is chocolate or sandwich related. If it looks shady, it's fair game (in my opinion).
7. Don't photograph the infamous Black Book. Definitely don't hand it out, post it, send it out in a memo. If anything, you should keep it under lock and key under your bed AT HOME.
Black Book material should not be shared the first day. No. Don't do it.
8. Jell-o someone's stapler.
Clever idea. Beautiful for The Office, the television show, as seen on NBC, and its affiliates. Not acceptable for work use and definitely not for the first day of work.
9. Don't string all of the paper clips together.
This is a multi-faceted, very complex issue:
A. Come on. That's a bitchass move. Funny for a minute, I'll give ya that....but after a minute, it becomes weird.
B. Really? Your first day? You're gonna do that the first day?
C. At least act like you're busy. It's your first day, let's not piss anyone off.
Overall, it looks pretty, but it is not cool.
10. Find your university's rival and then pick a fight.
A. Rarely does anyone care about College Athletics after college.
B. NOT ON THE FIRST DAY.
C. You're gonna look like an idiot reciting all of the statistics from the last 3 seasons to someone who probably just happened to go to Big University.
D. If they did care, they probably wouldn't know anything about the sport, etc, nowadays.
E. You're gonna look like a tool.
11. Make out with the office hottie/stud.
Even if it is not the office hottie/stud (and just an available, loose-lipped person)...don't do it.
Probably best left to day number two. This is also correlated with the Number 7 previously mentioned. If you're gonna do it....do it in the coat closet (still wait for Day Number Two). Or do it on your lunch break (get a lunch out of it too).
12. Politics....religion....
That's an obvious thing not to mention on the first day. Especially if you're working for a big business, they are probably Republican and not interested in your feelings toward the oppressed minorities. They got scrilla to make.
Overall: Appearance and Behavior is key.
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