To save face with my slightly nerdier constituents, I have decided to write (and produce and direct) a short sci-fi, aka science fiction story for you. It'll be hilarious for all you non-nerds or closeted nerds out there.
In a land far far away,
There was a, undiscovered by Earthlings, PLANET!
(cue background oohs and aahs)
In this planet there was only a small family. One of the members was a girl named Schmerica. This alien girl, Erica....I mean....Schmerica, loved to eat cookies.
Yes, I do believe aliens like cookies just as much as any respect-worthy human of the Earth race.
One day, the cookies RAN OUT. Since the planet was undiscovered and there were only so many resources on the planet, she was sad to find out there was none left.
"No cookies left, by golly!"---Schmerica said.
What was Schmerica to do? She didn't know anyone else, she couldn't borrow some from friends? There was no grocery store to buy some more.
What was she to do!?!
Finally, after much consideration, she hopped into her Unidentified Flying Object, which aliens just call space module, and went into space.
After traveling through a black hole (freaky, right?) she went BACK IN TIME! Here, she discovered Americans in what is now present day (The Year 2010). These Americans gave her cookies and she taught them an even better way of making cookies. With her help, the face of cookies was changed FOREVER. I like to believe this woman's name is Schmerica Fields. Aka, Mrs. Fields. She is an alien from the future. Amazing cookie-baking alien.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
View from my front porch...errrr....my desk
As I sit here at the library, I notice many different things. Seeing such a wide variety of people can only mean one thing: my internal commentary is going haywire.
I love to people watch, especially when I have nothing better to do than sit here at a desk, waiting for people to ask me about EBSCOhost.
Right now there is:
A man of cocoa brown skin "stealing" the free paper than is available near my desk. He's very shifty-eyed even though he isn't stealing--it's there for your convenience.
An Aryan woman with light eyes and blonde hair sitting at a weird desk that is rarely used. She is wearing a pair of cowboy boots with a brown jacket and skirt. Very weird considering she is probably from the suburbs....like most of the students and this particular university. The weird thing is....she's only writing a five page paper (that's right....I'm that creepy that I checked when she scrolled.
In another corner, there is a group of beautiful black students chatting among themselves. Are any black people not beautiful?
Walking towards the circulation/check out desk I see a man making use of an Ipod. Clearly he's not getting any work done with Motley Crue singing in his ear.
There is a man here clearly confused about the weather. Leather jacket over a long sleeved shirt and shorts with an umbrella and a red back pack. Maybe he likes rain on his calves.
There is a girl who came in with a very tall boy. Very odd looking in a pretty yet ordinary sort of way. Her head's shaped like a oval round bowl. Flat in front, round in back. The bowl head didn't bring in any work to do. I think the boy with bowl head did. She did bring in water. Hmmm.
Man with the Ipod is still at the Circulation/check out counter. go home. you and Tommy Lee.
Man with shorts and umbrella is looking through the library catalog....coming up with....not much, because he's checking out some girl exiting the library. Boy, is he checking her out. Whoa man. Whoa now. Thorough.
Another man comes in, confused about the weather. Wearing a beanie, some white khaki shorts, a Columbia jacket with a shirt underneath. And a blue backpack.
Asian girls leaves with a yellow backpack, head down. Very sad looking. Today was not a good day for her at the library. Especially if she's leaving early, looking sad. Has given up---school's taken all she's got.
The paper "stealer" is BACK! Now he's shiftily eyeing computers. Going back and forth between the rows of computers.
Woman at the circ desk, checking out so many books. This late in the semester?!?!?!? No she "diddd ent." I feel that. That's real. I've completed many an assignment with the loyal, constant support of the drug known as procrastination. Oops....procrastination girl just exited the building in a hurry! Touche.
One lady is writing a paper, head as far down, into her book as humanly possible. Head so far. Can it get any farther.....nope. I don't think it can. So far....too far. HOW IS HER NECK HANDLING THIS. I can't keep my eyes off of her. She just shot a squeeze of water from her water bottle. Keeping hydrated. The neck'll thank you later.
More for later.....
I love to people watch, especially when I have nothing better to do than sit here at a desk, waiting for people to ask me about EBSCOhost.
Right now there is:
A man of cocoa brown skin "stealing" the free paper than is available near my desk. He's very shifty-eyed even though he isn't stealing--it's there for your convenience.
An Aryan woman with light eyes and blonde hair sitting at a weird desk that is rarely used. She is wearing a pair of cowboy boots with a brown jacket and skirt. Very weird considering she is probably from the suburbs....like most of the students and this particular university. The weird thing is....she's only writing a five page paper (that's right....I'm that creepy that I checked when she scrolled.
In another corner, there is a group of beautiful black students chatting among themselves. Are any black people not beautiful?
Walking towards the circulation/check out desk I see a man making use of an Ipod. Clearly he's not getting any work done with Motley Crue singing in his ear.
There is a man here clearly confused about the weather. Leather jacket over a long sleeved shirt and shorts with an umbrella and a red back pack. Maybe he likes rain on his calves.
There is a girl who came in with a very tall boy. Very odd looking in a pretty yet ordinary sort of way. Her head's shaped like a oval round bowl. Flat in front, round in back. The bowl head didn't bring in any work to do. I think the boy with bowl head did. She did bring in water. Hmmm.
Man with the Ipod is still at the Circulation/check out counter. go home. you and Tommy Lee.
Man with shorts and umbrella is looking through the library catalog....coming up with....not much, because he's checking out some girl exiting the library. Boy, is he checking her out. Whoa man. Whoa now. Thorough.
Another man comes in, confused about the weather. Wearing a beanie, some white khaki shorts, a Columbia jacket with a shirt underneath. And a blue backpack.
Asian girls leaves with a yellow backpack, head down. Very sad looking. Today was not a good day for her at the library. Especially if she's leaving early, looking sad. Has given up---school's taken all she's got.
The paper "stealer" is BACK! Now he's shiftily eyeing computers. Going back and forth between the rows of computers.
Woman at the circ desk, checking out so many books. This late in the semester?!?!?!? No she "diddd ent." I feel that. That's real. I've completed many an assignment with the loyal, constant support of the drug known as procrastination. Oops....procrastination girl just exited the building in a hurry! Touche.
One lady is writing a paper, head as far down, into her book as humanly possible. Head so far. Can it get any farther.....nope. I don't think it can. So far....too far. HOW IS HER NECK HANDLING THIS. I can't keep my eyes off of her. She just shot a squeeze of water from her water bottle. Keeping hydrated. The neck'll thank you later.
More for later.....
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Techno babble
Do you have a blackberry? Are you one of those people with an Ipod, Ipad, Ipole, Iphone, Ipoll, Isad. Quite frankly, I am sad.
I, President of the United Luddite Federation am here today to make it known that the only technology I own are: cell phone. No Internet connection. MP3 player with 200 songs max on it. And a calculator.
Even if I owned a blackberry, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I am so lame in those regards (and in other regards as well). I think I would put it into my shirt or coat pocket to protect myself against oncoming bullets. This act shows just how up-to-date I am and just how paranoid I am and the lengths I will go to protect myself against stray bullets (I live in Rural Town, USA).
I just am being passed by...at light speed...by all of this change in technology over the past few years.
I have a laptop....but, the only Internet sites I ever frequent include cnn.com, nytimes.com, blogspot (to write), facebook (because I gotta) and my email account.
Someone was talking to me about how much time they spend on the Internet and it's ridiculous. What do you people do on the Internet? After I check my email and facebook, the computer remains unused until tomorrow at 10 o'clock when I CHECK THOSE TWO SITES AGAIN. I even considered going back into the dark ages and getting a land line phone instead of my cell phone. All of the techno freaks beware. I am your worst enemy.
I, President of the United Luddite Federation am here today to make it known that the only technology I own are: cell phone. No Internet connection. MP3 player with 200 songs max on it. And a calculator.
Even if I owned a blackberry, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I am so lame in those regards (and in other regards as well). I think I would put it into my shirt or coat pocket to protect myself against oncoming bullets. This act shows just how up-to-date I am and just how paranoid I am and the lengths I will go to protect myself against stray bullets (I live in Rural Town, USA).
I just am being passed by...at light speed...by all of this change in technology over the past few years.
I have a laptop....but, the only Internet sites I ever frequent include cnn.com, nytimes.com, blogspot (to write), facebook (because I gotta) and my email account.
Someone was talking to me about how much time they spend on the Internet and it's ridiculous. What do you people do on the Internet? After I check my email and facebook, the computer remains unused until tomorrow at 10 o'clock when I CHECK THOSE TWO SITES AGAIN. I even considered going back into the dark ages and getting a land line phone instead of my cell phone. All of the techno freaks beware. I am your worst enemy.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Library news
I, like any country-loving American, works.
And, like any good, well-raised and good mannered girl that I am work at the library.
Last night, at the library, I came in to work the late shift, a little unhappy about not being able to sleep or chill at home in my own abode. Here, I sat and took questions and read Chelsea Handler's latest book. Well, after a student came by, asked for a pencil to borrow, I said sure. As I was rifling through desks and nooks and crannies for a pencil (who doesn't bring a pencil to the library), I came across a veritable cranny of booty. I came across such deep treasures anyone of distinguished taste would dream about....mints and hand sanitizer. All free.
One of my favorite things in the whole wide world is deals and things that are free. It's better than sex. Getting things for free is better than theme parks, medicines, any high I've ever heard of and almost better than eating.
The point is: I found smelly-good hand sanitizer (I love hand sanitizing and am currently addicted to the act therein of sanitizing these hands) and mints. Well, I had seen the mints before (had one then) and yet many weeks later the mints remained. Well, I opened up this treasure trove and found three to four mints (my mathematical skills goes right out the window anytime I come across free shit). So....what did I do?
I ate a mint.
an hour passes.....
ate another mint.
another hour or maybe it wasn't even half an hour and I was craving the free minty glory.
So, I popped another into my mouth. Deal.
Then, there was only one left...and since I am a firm believer in not being silly and keeping a mint like that (free!) all by its lonesome. I popped it into my mouth and Kobe'd the Altoid box into the trash. Man, I felt good. Real good.
Too good.
Come into work the next day, refreshed (which wasn't a coincidence, to me...it had something to do with those mints) and a supervisor came up to me and said, "Hey....did you eat so-and-so's mints....I know you worked last night...."
Me: "Uhhhhhhh. Mints were there.....they might have been eaten. What's the low-down?"
"So-and-so's looking for them."--Super
Moral of the story: I had to make an extra trip to the local grocery to pay for a whole box to reimburse so-and-so for the three to four mints I had rescued from prison/the Altoid box.
And, like any good, well-raised and good mannered girl that I am work at the library.
Last night, at the library, I came in to work the late shift, a little unhappy about not being able to sleep or chill at home in my own abode. Here, I sat and took questions and read Chelsea Handler's latest book. Well, after a student came by, asked for a pencil to borrow, I said sure. As I was rifling through desks and nooks and crannies for a pencil (who doesn't bring a pencil to the library), I came across a veritable cranny of booty. I came across such deep treasures anyone of distinguished taste would dream about....mints and hand sanitizer. All free.
One of my favorite things in the whole wide world is deals and things that are free. It's better than sex. Getting things for free is better than theme parks, medicines, any high I've ever heard of and almost better than eating.
The point is: I found smelly-good hand sanitizer (I love hand sanitizing and am currently addicted to the act therein of sanitizing these hands) and mints. Well, I had seen the mints before (had one then) and yet many weeks later the mints remained. Well, I opened up this treasure trove and found three to four mints (my mathematical skills goes right out the window anytime I come across free shit). So....what did I do?
I ate a mint.
an hour passes.....
ate another mint.
another hour or maybe it wasn't even half an hour and I was craving the free minty glory.
So, I popped another into my mouth. Deal.
Then, there was only one left...and since I am a firm believer in not being silly and keeping a mint like that (free!) all by its lonesome. I popped it into my mouth and Kobe'd the Altoid box into the trash. Man, I felt good. Real good.
Too good.
Come into work the next day, refreshed (which wasn't a coincidence, to me...it had something to do with those mints) and a supervisor came up to me and said, "Hey....did you eat so-and-so's mints....I know you worked last night...."
Me: "Uhhhhhhh. Mints were there.....they might have been eaten. What's the low-down?"
"So-and-so's looking for them."--Super
Moral of the story: I had to make an extra trip to the local grocery to pay for a whole box to reimburse so-and-so for the three to four mints I had rescued from prison/the Altoid box.
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