Dumb questions

Don't you hate being asked dumb questions?
I hate the question, "What are you doing?" when someone is looking RIGHT at the act which you are completing.
For instance:
I hate when I am reading a book and then someone comes over and asks, "What are you doing?"
This question BEGS for a sarcastic response. No matter if it is your best friend for life or your boss, you must respond with, "Ummm. I'm frying eggs."
Seriously, what does it look like I'm doing?
I hate questions. I hate criticism and I hate when criticism and questions are rolled into one.
For instance, "Why are you watching THAT movie?"
1. it's judgy. Stop criticising my movie taste. Just because I wanna watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (again) should not include chocolate with a side of judgy. No gracias.
2. Sarcasm time. "Ummm. I'm watching this movie because terrorists are forcing me to."
Duh. I'm watching WWandTChocoFac (pronounced "waatchocofac") because I want to. Stop asking dumb questions.
P.S. I think sarcasm is underrated. I met some friends of the Englishman who did not understand sarcasm/my sarcasm. It was so disappointing, for me, not to enjoy the sarcasm aftermath. I live for the twinge of guilt, sadness and anger that is felt by the victims of the sarcasm quake. I live for it.

Un-politically Correct Interests

Embarrassing things I shouldn't like. This blog post has its roots in the last blog post and many posts previous to this one.
I really like weird things. Most of them are not politically correct. In fact, PETA and every other Rights Activist Organization would like to see me shot. But, I'm not sorry....I will shout it from the rooftops, if I have to.
1. America's Funniest Home Videos
Yeah. People getting hit the crotch. People getting hit in the head. Kids falling down. I can't get enough of that shit. That is quality home entertainment.
2. Beef Jerky
'Nuff said. I would be the first one to survive in the wilderness because all I would bring is a truckload of beef jerky. Good luck, vegetarians. Good luck trying to sustain life off of romaine lettuce and carrots. I love that salty, hard, smoked, chewy goodness of beef jerky. (Sorry PETA.)
3. COPS. I love the show COPS.
This is definitely related to America's Funniest Home Videos. I like to see criminals run from po-pos and then taken down by said po-pos. Yes, it is awful to see the inhumane treatment of smalltime criminal offenders. Sure, the justice system might not be the best ever created. Sure, there might be some troublesome police officers taking advantage of their authority. Sure, guns kill. Violence sucks. But...on camera. Amazing cinematic greatness.
4. Smelling Permanent Markers.
I am the perfect candidate for a Drug Rehabilitation Program. I have a problem. And I've heard that is the first step in recovery. I love to smell permanent markers. ("Hi, Erica.")
5. Drinking to get Drunk
I mean business when I consume alcohol. I don't pussyfoot around (I hope that isn't a misogynistic term). Every alcohol/drug program I've experienced has told me not to participate in drinking to only get drunk. Apparently, that is a bad sign. They also told me not to participate in drinking games....so, how much do they know?
6. Eating Meat.
This goes along with Option #2 (beef jerky). I love the stuff.
One time, I decided to quit meat and only eat vegetables and occasionally fish. Pescatarian is what I'd like to call it.....
But, then, all I ate was a gaggle of frozen vegetables and fish....FOR EVERY MEAL. Lunch: Peas and halibut. Supper: Green Beans and Grouper. Snack: Broccoli and Fish Sticks.
I just replaced beef and chicken and bacon/breakfast sausage (I'm not a fan of pork or regular sausage) with Fish.
7. Buying Clothes from Wal-Mart.
I love those strong, third world connections that Wal-Mart has. I can buy a t-shirt for 4 dollars. That is amazing...I'll take two (or three). Some activists are all about Target and K-mart as an alternative to Wal-Mart. Personally, I love me some Target, but you can't beat the prices that Wal-Mart has. Why pay more? Those activists are like, "Blah blah blah....what about the small children employed overseas? Don't you think about them?"
Answer, "No I don't. I think about my sweet ass deals I get from the Women's Section at Wal-Mart. But, thanks for asking."
After I leave Wal-Mart, I always feel like I am stealing from them. When I walk out, I always have the shifty eyes and perspiration on the brow. How can it be so cheap??
8. Skipping Class.
I currently hold to record for classes skipped in a semester. It's true; look it up. But, it's unofficial, so when you look it up, you won't find anything. It's more unofficial. I didn't have mono. My family didn't lose a house and I had to go back to work on the family farm to save the house. No, I just like to skip class. Why go and learn when I could read and learn from my couch.
Everyone is always giving me the look when I tell them about my efforts to skip. But, I can't be held responsible for their poor decisions. I skip, because I care.

TO BE CONTINUED

Mom-isms from Me

Whoa! I am a bloggin' maniac. I have written on Wednesday and then I am writing today.
I wrote about Judgy Pants People, Study Abroad and now: Momisms.
This blog post is all about things I have said (to various people) through the years. I am like a mommy-in-training, I always have a great yearning to spread "valuable" knowledge, and yet, I always treat it like I am passing on jewels, diamonds, wealth. This advice, coming from me, is the best you'll receive, ever. in your entire life. ever. (Or, at least I'd like to think so).

1. "Choose wisely and wear protection."
I said this to my sister. It seems obvious and I am sure that other people have told her this advice (i.e. sex-education teachers, health care doctors, nurses, principals, our shared mother), yet I felt the need to share this invaluable, timeless tidbit. I always feel the need to tell my sister how it was so hard for me when I was her age and how I had to fight battles, overcome great odds and the outcome is this advice I graciously share with her.
This kind of goes along with wrap it before you tap it, too.

2. "Did you turn the oven off?"
Yeah. I am that type of mommy. Even though I don't have kids (not that I know of)....it is my destiny in life to be a nag. An over controlling nag. You're welcome, World. YOU'RE WELCOME.

3. "Save electricity and turn off some lights."
This goes hand-in-hand with the previous quote. I like to nag. I also don't like to spend booty on utilities. Sure, YOU gots money in da bank. BUT I DON'T. Let your trust fund lie and turn off the lights. I gotta pay for that.

4. "If your lousy relationship doesn't work out, you better not come crying to me."
Stop choosing poorly (See Quote #1). Do you ever see a couple and immediately say, "That's never gonna last." Well, if you are pessimistic/realistic, you know how it rolls.

5. "Don't choose that food just because it has a pretty picture/prize, you'll never eat it."
This one doesn't happen often, but when it does, it makes me feel like a Mommy.

6. "Stop being mean to your friends."
What happened to liking them? Why don't you like them anymore? No one knows. No one will ever know. Did one person do something wrong? Are you to blame? Are they to blame? Is this an episode of 7th Heaven where someone hates someone else? Who knows. I KNOW from experience: one day, everything is fine, a week later, HATRED. My mom used to tell me to solve all problems with gifts. She would tell me to extend a peacemaking gesture by giving candy or little toys to friends I got in tiffs with.

7. "Don't bite off more than you can chew."
Don't enroll in 17 hours of undergraduate and graduate credit. That's too much work. Take it easy. Actually, I like to have my life be like any Bob Seger song. Or Eagles song. "Take it Easy" by The Eagles pretty much sums up my view on life.
Lyrics: Lighten up while you still can, Don't even try to understand, Just find a place to make your stand and Take it Easy.

8. "If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it."
This, like many other quotes before it, is kinda backwards, maybe even ghetto/Hoosier. That's how I roll and I don't trust others who don't roll that way. Those types of people will never let you down. Plus, they can be counted on for dozens of other problems. They get shit done.
This quote has to do with realizing that if you don't/can't/won't do something, realize the obvious and do something else. Know thyself (and know that you're bugging the hell out of me by making poor choices).

9. "Think before you speak"
Such a classic one that us Mommies say, but really? Clearly, it needs to be said. Like, I could have said it to G.W. Bush all day long. At every press meeting. At every speech. Think about what you're trying to say. And, if someone comments on the fact that what you are saying might be untrue, dumb or otherwise, perhaps read between the lines and/or listen.

Yeah, that's about all for today. If you see me spouting some Mommyisms, just remember, everyone has it in them to be someone else's Mommy (even for a short time).

Abroad, broads.

Two of my best friends are coming back, or have already returned from Studying abroad. This led me to thinking....what happens when you are abroad, are studying abroad or just in a different place than the Midwest.
I have only been out of the center of non-civilization once, and that was a school sponsored trip to NYC. We went to NYC, got our hands held the entire time and then came back to the Midwest, where I apparently belong.
Anyway, what happens overseas? I have no idea. Studying, yes. Thank you, sarcastic Sallys and Sals....I know that Studying Abroad means taking classes and studying. Now that we've got that covered, what else happens?
Well, here's what I think happens when you go overseas:
1. Daily body cavity searches.
Especially Americans---tricky bastards. Never know what they are going to have on them.
2. Hazing.
They probably make you go through a hazing ritual whilst you're in said country. Whether it be France, the UK, S. America, China, Africa or Espana....hazing the newcomer is a time-honored tradition. No matter if their culture is similar to ours, or they are third world....they will probably make you memorize lines from their Pledge, Song of their Country, or learn Shakira lyrics (they just love Shakira). (All while pounding a 1/5th of Bourbon, sake, tequila or Vodka (depending which country you are in).
3. It is notorious that other countries eat later than Americans. I am the oldest person alive. If someone makes me eat later than 5:30 p.m., I get grouchy. But in other countries, they eat at like 9 p.m., stay up til 3 a.m. and so forth.
I think the first day you get to the country, they make you fast until you conform to their standards of eating. They withhold all food and beverages (unless it it Bourbon, sake, tequila, or Vodka) until you are willing to eat later and sleep from 3 a.m. until 8 a.m.
4. Clothing.
I am sure they will give you lip about your faded jeans until you are willing to sell them. Apparently, Americans get jeans for cheap. I think Europeans are willing to buy them from you....you are expected to do this.
5. Entertainment.
As a guest to their native land, you bring information from the outside world (aka, The Midwest United States). Sure, the only thing you've taken part in, is a pick-up game of 4-Square, but still, they wanna a story. You are the entertainment.
6. Awful public transit, transportation.
Especially in Mexico, Africa, S. America and I am sure the back roads of Switzerland and France are similar to this, too: Bad. Transit: worse.
To break you in on the first day (and subsequently every week after you arrive), you must go through public transit. i.e. sit on some one's lap for a 9 hour bus ride going 60 miles an hour over pot-hole central.
7. Luxuries.
They revoke all luxuries no matter who and where you are. Doesn't matter that you are studying in Sydney, Paris, London or Rome. Luxuries no more. It's for the experience.
8. Boyfriends/lovers/girlfriends.
No matter who you know. You don't know them any more. Their name is dead to you. This is law. This is SPARTAAAAAAAAAA (or wherever you are studying abroad.)
--------
Whenever I leave my town (St. Louis) and travel to another place in the United States, I expect to get the same treatment as well. Turns out, no. And the rest is probably incorrect for other countries as well. Who knows. We'll never know.

Judgy much?

Have you ever been the blameless victim of a JA? What is a JA, you ask.....well it is a Judgment Attack. I, Erica Wiley, writer/victim have been judged. This goes along with my previous post about haters.
But, judgy pants is a different form. They judge on the basis that they have never participated in the kind of activities that I do. They think the kind of things I do is socially unacceptable, lower class, trashy or what have you.
dictionary.com claims that to judge is to decide upon critically, to guess about, estimate, or a person qualified to pass critical judgment.
For one, these people/person is not qualified to pass critical judgment.
Secondly, they are clearly only guessing; they are in the wrong.
Thirdly, stop being so critical.
Fourthly, they don't knooooow me. (insert a sassy snap)

What are they judging me on:
1. Food habits. A nameless roommate of mine, who is perfect in every single way, no stone unturned, all I's dotted, all T's crossed, whatever the hell that means, persnickety, always judges me for my food choice. And I don't blame her. It's silly, my food choices. What's funny is, she thinks people judge HER. No way, Jose. Step back in line....the judgy train is full speed ahead....We have a nonstop flight to Judgytown, U.S.A.
Sure, I eat more cookies in a month than most people do in a year. Sure, I like to eat carbohydrates like it's my last day on Earth. Sure, if I am bored, sad, angry, stressed, happy, lonesome, not lonesome, I pound out some munchies. Is that a reason to judge? I don't think so.

Just because you happen to have excellent teeth, bone structure, blue eyes and throw off the metric scale for weight doesn't mean you can criticize me: a brown eyed, brown haired, sloppy, clumsy, Baptist-bred, curvy, over-eater roommate. She's not the only one either. One time, at Wal-mart, I was with a nameless roommate, we were shopping together, which was hilarious. We are funny shoppers. We had a good ol' time, screwing around at the local Wal-mart supercenter.
When we were done making lewd gestures, joking around, causing chaos in every aisle, the best time of my life, we decided to check out. She went first, putting her yogurt, low-cal drinks, cereal, tomatoes, canned vegetables, celery, wheat bread, eggs, cranberry juice, bananas, wheat thins, light mayonnaise and oatmeal on the counter. Then, she grabbed a candy bar. One candy bar. The cashier, making small talk says, "Ahhh, I see someone (my roommate and loyal patron to Wal-Mart) has a sweet tooth."
My nameless roommate, politely smiles and says, "Ha, yeah, I guess so."

Then comes my turn. Here's the rundown of my shopping cart: eggs, orange juice, brown sugar, white granulated sugar, Chips Ahoy Chunky, chocolate chips, walnuts, meat, red meat, extra-fatty pizzas, Reese's miniature peanut butter cups, a loaf of bread, French bread, and three candy bars from the aisle. He then turns to my roommate, gives her a look, turns to another cashier, gives her a frightened, appalled look, then turns back to me and says, "Someone here really has a sweet tooth."
Then, not-as-politely, I shout, "INCORRECT, MY GOOD MAN. I have THE sweet tooth. THE. SWEET. TOOTH."
If this was a Baptist church, in the St. Louis area, on a Sunday afternoon, I wouldn't be getting this kind of treatment. They would take one look at my basket of sweets and ask if I was on a diet.

That's the other thing, being raised Baptist, most of the stereotypes are actually true. Especially in regards to food. If there is more than 1 person at the house, a casserole is in order. Fried chicken is an every day occurrence and if there is a party, there must be a separate table for desserts. In fact, keeping it light, means only having one table of desserts. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. Clothing.
This is probably going to be a repeat theme in my awesome blog. Seriously, I don't read Vogue, I don't shop in "Size 3" (A fictional clothing store for thin white girls) and I don't have money to buy, wear once then discard, all of the new trends available.
It took me years (and I mean years) to buy and wear skinny jeans (which are probably going out of style now that squares like me are actually wearing them).
So, listen up: Stop judging me on the basis of my turquoise jewelry, classic, yet not trendy, slightly worn, but ok, sweaters, faded, flared jeans, etc, etc. I am an okay person, I just don't care enough to peruse the internet looking for the new trends abroad.
Don't bring up that the shoes I am wearing are not only out of style, but years old. They still work. They were cute 3 years ago, I think they are ok now. Don't even get me started on Sales. I would prefer not to thrown into the lion's den or buried alive for.....
yes....it's true....
I do this....
thrift shopping.
Yes, other people have worn these clothes. Yes. Strangers.
I bought them for a dollar. Full price: one dollar. And I am not going to Fashion Hell for it. Suck it.

Finals Week Tidbits

Finals Week is upon us college folks are here are just some tips from me to you.
1. In case you haven't noticed, there is a hierarchy of people here in college. Freshman have NO room to complain, no matter what they are taking. I don't want to hear about your problems. I did my part when I was a freshman by not complaining, so you should do the same.
2. Everyone is stressed out. I'll give you two: "I'm so stressed out"s before I cut you off. No more. Everyone is in the same boat unless you are one of those people who got lucky and finished their worksheets ahead of time and is now only in the way.
I hate those people. What are they still doing around? At least pretend for our sake that you are stressed, barely breathing and is contemplating suicide. That's the least you can do.
3. If you've showered, you don't need to complain. Finals week is all about studying, cramming, eating bad junk food, not showering or changing clothes.
4. If someone barks at you......let it slide. They're busy and you probably were asking a dumb question. (I've gotten snipped at on more than one occasion, so this may only apply to me and my dumb incessant questions.)
5. Drinking while studying is ok. I don't care what time it is. If the person next to you smells like beer or vodka.....give him/her the "I-get-that-nod."
6. It's best not to ask what someone has left before they can go home for the semester.
I am so tired of hearing the lists of things to do from everyone. I can't keep track of everyone's list as well as my own. At least put it in a blogpost for all to read (like me, of course *insert pretentious laugh).
7. If someone is crying, vomiting, making the worst face you've ever seen.....just move away from that person. Be a hero. A finals week hero. You might not get your name in the newspaper, but you have to do your part and step up to the plate. And by step up....I mean give that loony some space.
One time (yesterday), I walked into a campus computer area that is rarely used, and this girl had her face to the window and was on the phone. All I wanted to do was check my mail (I don't have the 'Net at home). So, I walked in....gave a "Sup Homie" to the girl and THEN.......
she TURNED AROUND.
As she turned around, phone in-hand, her face.....Well, it was not good.
It gave me a good startle and I took a step backwards. The room was dark, she was next to the window, a small flicker of light shone in....
All I saw was massacre. I'd like to call it the Massacre on 4th Floor.
As I peered into her bloodshot, greasy, soggy eyes.....I was scared. She was having a hard time and obviously talking to her parental unit or significant other about some problems but, the amount of smeared make-up face ratio was 9 to 1. NINE TO ONE, PEOPLE.
9:1.
Immediately, I said, "I'm gonna go..............uh, somewhere else."
Then she said, "Really? Are you sure?"
Then I said to the 9:1 face girl, "Ohhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhhhh."

Favorite Pastimes: Snow Edition

I love the snow. It always comes around Christmas time and Christmas time brings all that jazz.
BUT THIS BLOG POST ISN'T ABOUT CHRISTMAS, IT'S ABOUT SNOW.
I feel that snow gets a bad reputation sometimes:
----It's always cold when it happens and most people don't like the cold.
----Car accidents due to the inclement conditions. I am an inclement condition. I cause vehicular accidents because I am a bad driver.
----You, rather I, put on like 10 pounds during the winter (and I don't lose the weight until like September---just in time to gain it all back again).
----When you have to pee, you have to remove like 18 layers of clothes. And, if you gotta go really bad, well, that sucks.
---Ice. With snow, comes melting snow and then refreezing snow, which makes ice. Ice is no bueno. NO BUENO, people.
---Falling on the ice. I fall when it is 75 degrees and sunny. What do you get when you add freezing temps and climate problemos?
---Scraping the snow and ice off of your car. Can be fun---but I've never experienced the fun.
I actually really like the snow, though. It always gets blamed for many problems like the aforementioned examples, but I love when it snows.
Plus, snow is always left out of the conversation around the holidays.
So, here's to you, snow. This is why you're hot (in the metaphorical sense):
1. You don't soak me.
---you really don't. Your lovely flakes coat my clothes and my hair but never soak me thoroughly. I never need an umbrella, ella, ella eh, eh eh. Clearly better than rain.
2. It's pretty. Snow blankets the land. It's quite lovely.
3. Fun! Snow's really fun.
4. A continuation of #3, you can have snowball fights, build snowmen and snowwomen. Plus, you can sled and sledding is fun. I missed out on sledding last year and I am NOT happy about it.
The whoosh of your hair as you slide down a steep slope. You hear a high-pitched scream and after the annoyance fades, you realize it was you making that god awful noise.
5. EVERY FLAKE IS DIFFERENT. Isn't that mind blowing? I know that blows my mind.
6. You can write poems about snow. Robert Frost did (and so can you).
7. You can eat it. (not the yellow snow, or the snow on busy roads...but the white stuff is okay).
8. It has so much personality. It's like rain for the most part, except better. Sometimes it snows hard, sometimes it never hits the ground. Other times, it snows sideways, vertically, horizontally. There are thundersnows, flurries, thick snow, hard snow, wet snow, dry snow. Icy snow. Rainsnow. Shrimp gumbo, pineapple shrimp, coconut shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew.
9. It melts and forms around trees. It makes trees and bushes and plants and houses really pretty. Weird too.
10. Everything becomes silent. People stay in, less cars are out on the roads and there is a certain silence that comes with a snowfall.
11. Snow days! Kids get off of school. My college doesn't call for snow days, but still, remember when that was AMAZING.
12. Hot chocolate. After sledding, running into the house where Mom had steamy hot chocolate waiting on the snow. That was the shit.
13. Accessories. I had to say it. Yep. Scarves, mittens and gloves, hats (which I loathe), jackets, coats, boots, galoshes (whatever the hell galoshes even means).
14. Quality time indoors. Family time is good time (unless it's the holidays; then the claws come out).
15. Fire.
---indoor fires, fireplaces, stoves.
Clearly, it recently snowed here in the Midwest and as a lovely, loyal Midwesterner, I had to give it a shoutout.

Technology

Does anyone own a piece of technology?
I do. I admit it. I own a piece of metal and wires and chips and whatever the hell goes into electronics. I like to think magic and spells goes into each piece. We'll never know.
In other news, I have NO IDEA how those things work. Muchas cosas en the United States. I blame Asia. Asians are always creating some top-of-the-line mechanical or electronic device that is teeny tiny and can slide out of my hand on its own accord (having nothing to do with my clumsiness).
You know how some people are phobic of certain events, material things, situations or ailments? For instance, some people are agoraphobic (afraid of spiders). Some people are germaphobic (afraid of germs). Some people are xenophobic (afraid of sexyhottness). Well, para mi, I am afraid of technology. I have, and probably always will be, afraid of technology.
Anytime anyone comes over and whips out their new gadget, I make myself scarce. I become like a 14 year old boy from the Bible belt at a sorority house. I start sweating, my palms itch, I have trouble swallowing, I can't think straight, my voice becomes coarse---all the usual ailments that come with phobias. I just gotta get out of there. Clearly, this is the normal response to technology.
The biggest problem is APPLE. The Mac/Apple company is always inventing some new, tiny, expensive, pretty and white machine to buy.
For one, I am like a bull in a china shop. I am a 5' 2" lumberjack on roller skates, who doesn't do lumberjack outdoorsy activities. As this lumberjack, I am going to DROP any small tiny thing that requires handheld attention. Secondly, white? Really. Could they pick a more dirt-attracting color? I am messy. At any point-in-time, I have ketchup on my hands and dirt on my palms. I understand some of their toys are black, or pink, whatever. But, mostly, they are white.

I am actually quite jealous of all of these new toys. But, I don't need them and I definitely can't afford them. I wouldn't know what to do with all of these new toys, except parade them around in a Ziploc bag, unused.
I'm sure that I deleted Itunes off of my computer a year or two ago. I am a Windows Media Player aficionado. No street rep there, but definite accessibility. All I am saying, PC USERS UNITE. Also, MP3 player users unite. Macs can have their cool club, we as PC users need to develop a club, that is all I'm sayin'.
Imagine what would go on at THOSE meetings.

Call to Order
Singing of PC song:
(Hail to thee, Oh dear P.C, Hail to thee Oh Hail. Ease and Honor you have brought us, Hail to Thee, Oh Hail).

New Business
Old Business
Discussion
Departure....including holding and praising and bowing of the personal computer of choice.