Baby Etiquette

Yes, you are right. I should write my own guide to proper every etiquette. Not that fancy schmancy type of etiquette books that tell you you can't eat dinner when your shoulders are not at a 90 degree angle. I am talking about everyday fo' real etiquette.
Today's topic: Babies.
1. You have a child. Great. Now, after the usual three questions someone is properly supposed to ask when said child is brought up (aka, 1. What's his/her name? 2. When did you have him/her? 3. Awww. Tell me one interesting fact and then please zip da lip), I need you to end the conversation, unlike the alternative which is talk about your baby daddy issues, talk about every bodily/physical function the child in question does.
2. When talking about baby daddy issues, after 4 minutes, I am cutting you off or leaving or inventing my own baby daddy issues even though I don't have a child and am merely mocking you for my own enjoyment. When you find out in three minutes or three days or three months, I'll just play it off like a hilarious joke.
3. If you REALLY won't stop talking about baby daddy and I can't hang myself or escape through a stage door, after my two questions about baby daddy, (aka, How long have you been going out and How's it going with you two?) please, I don't want to hear about it any more.
4. When you ask if I wanna see pictures of the fruit of your loins and I reluctantly accept please show me at max 15 photos. I run out of comments after the 20th photo. I end up just saying things like, "You'd never expect THAT to be THERE" or something even more ridiculous like, "Baby made a bold move wearing red in the sun."
5. When you force me into an 80 minute discussion on baby etc, por favor, please excuse my attempts to end the conversation.
6. If the conversation is not ending, please end my in-depth discussion on breast milk, my biggest fear. Also, please don't mind the vagina canal questions. I have one, but haven't used it yet, for the obvious reasons you can infer from above.