Schmanksgiving

Right now, I wanna bitch about Thanksgiving. I know it's a bit early, but I can't not give my two cents. I'll probably write more about this awful holiday, just you wait.
Every single day, I hear people jib jabbing about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, Schmanksgiving. Really? reallllllllllyyyyyyy. I don't need a whole week off of school just to overeat. I can do that on a Friday night, in my pajamas without having to leave my apartment or see the extended family. I'm not even a holiday person, but I make no complaints about the other holidays. I support the Judeo-Christian holidays. Especially the ones with presents.
Lemme just say, I think I would rather be Jewish. Hanukkah: 8 days of presents, no gaudy Christmas tree, a cool dreidel with a dreidel song and you get to light candles (but they don't go overboard, which is nice). For the last four Thanksgivings, my family hasn't made turkey. THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON I GO----for the turkey sandwiches and the pumpkin pie. Seriously, two years ago, my extended family made.......ham. Yes, ham. You heard right. Ham. Let me refresh your memory of the first Pilgrim/Indian feast. Some European colonists (aka Pilgrims) sat down with various Native American groups (who were here in North America first) and ate corn, vegetables, pies/puddings and.........poultry! Poultry! Not swine. POULTRY. TURKEY. Feathers, not curly tails. And then the "two" groups lived peacefully together ever since........
Like I said earlier....I make no complaints about the other holidays. Of course, I have qualms, but for now, it's just the one absurd holiday that needs criticism.
Thanksgiving---the poor man's Christmas. I just don't understand what use it is to me/everyone in the world who breathes. I get a whole week off (including two sets of weekends). We don't even do anything until the day of. Thursday morning, I get up early, travel an hour to the scary part of my Midwestern city, to my grandma's house where I greet an embarrassing assortment of extended family members whom I haven't seen since last Christmas and then we all eat. And then after I eat....I eat some more. Then, I talk to these family members (you know the ones....the ones whose names you cannot recall)....and tell them the same story:
1. No, I'm not pregnant. This is turkey weight. I'm just pudgy....get off my back.
2. Yes, I'm still in college.
3. Studying history.
4. Hell if I know about the only Russian history fact you seem to recall. I study American history. Leave me alone or at least stop embarrassing me with your random Jeopardy-esque trivia about Eastern Europe.
5. Yes, I do have a boyfriend.
6. (After #5) Please don't give me any "knowing looks."
7. No, I don't want any more food. This is my third plate of turkey sandwich with a side of pumpkin pie.
8. Get your own Bud Light. And, ask someone else, in the kitchen, if they recall who Frederick the Great is.
9. I can't say that I'm in the market to buy your 2006 Mercedes Benz off of you.
10. Your sexual innuendo is refreshing....but say one more tidbit and you're going to get this lightly sauced turkey sandwich in your boozing face, sucka.
_______
And, what can you ask them? It gets pretty dull receiving the third degree from your dad's great uncle, once removed, etc. Conversation starters are tricky with a middle aged man.
It's hard to come up with questions for someone whose name has escaped you.
How's work, sir?
What is it that you do, my good man?
How do you even spell that job, senor? (add a squiggle to the 'n' in senor)
Is that an actual job? Are you really unemployed? Are you actually that sad character on Office Space (the one who loves his red Swingline stapler)?
What is it that you do, in your job?
And they pay you for that?
Is this your twentieth beer, because you've been rambling about the accounting department for 15 minutes.

Plus, except for last year, all I did on T-giving is eat, talk to the family and watch the Dog Show. yes, the Dog Competition on Animal Planet.
Why? I dunno. It just feels right. I sit on my couch, some people play poker for nickels (.05 cents) while me and the other kids (those not married....and my grandpa and maybe one real uncle) watch the Dog Competition. We always shout out which dog we like, which is the cutest, funnest, while we watch.
It's the best part about Thanksgiving: hearing my grandpa yell from the other room, "Erica, Large Breed Dogs are up next...."