library 101

In desperate need to find something to write about, I decided to write about my lovely library gig. I call it a gig because it really isn't a job. It isn't a full time job. It isn't even a part time job. I'm going into the librarian circle. I don't want to be a hostess of books. I just work this gig like a prostitute. I get paid by the hour. I walk circles around the building making sure people know I'm available {for assistance; wink wink} and they can get all of their needs satisfied by asking me. I am a prostitute. A library ho. The library system (and corresponding networks) is my pimp.
Libraries are so different from all the other places I've worked. It is very relaxed at the library. There is no need to upsell anything because we're not selling anything. In fact, we would probably prefer that you not take so many books (and get jam hands all over the book covers). We are here to help....but don't get CRAZY. Take your own initiative. Patron....meet: the computer. Touch it. Get acquainted with it. Press a couple of buttons. Be nice to it....it will be nice to you. DO NOT, under any circumstances, do the following:
Come up screaming about some article on Ebscohost. Don't scream, for one. (For one, Shhh....this is a library and secondly, I am not shy or quiet, so you have met your voice match, blondie. My voice CARRIES. It carries far....it carries long.) Anyway, don't come screaming about some article, I am not researching with you. I don't know what just happened on your computer on the third floor. You haven't even formed a sentence. This is probably the first time you've ever seen my face. And today, I've only been here an hour and a half. I am a student. I do student things. I do not even have a degree yet. They pay me 7 dollars an hour. That's like 1/2 of what they pay kids in Tibet. Lay off.
Also, it might be a good idea to structure your questions, sentences, statements in a way that it non-threatening or offensive. Do not come up threatening to kill by mama, my first born or anyone that I love.
This is how it could go down:
"If I don't have this article in my hand, I will cut out yo motha's face."---mean patron.
"WHAT?!?!?!? How do you cut OUT her face."--me
"I will go inside her face and cut my way out....sucka."---mean patron.
"Wow. That's extensive."---me
"Sure is."---mean patron.
It's just inter-library loan. Like fish in the sea, there is more than one article out there.
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