Death, pt.2

Every time I am seriously ill, I think that I am dying. I don't know why I am so morbid, but it's just the way it is. That's my fate: to be morbid and on the verge of death perhaps.
So, I went to the doctors after Extreme pain in, on and around, as my Grammy B would say, "lower nether regions" (now is the time to exit this screen if you can't take the extreme talk). I used to make every one who went down south to fill out an application, take me to dinner and successfully pass a Polygraph test to see it. But, ever since I've come of age and grew into myself (aka, got older and wiser and less bashful), I let everyone who's interested take passage down in the nether regions. My goal, like I told my very supportive, probably weirded out, boyfriend how it was my goal in life to have as many people as possible see my Whositwhatsits. So far, I am up to: 6 doctors and nurse practitioners. Six....not including countless one night stands (just kidding, loyal readers, relatives, and the Englishman). I am only 21 years of age.....already 6 people. I haven't even had a CHILD come out of my WHOSITWHATSITS!! I like to think I'd go down in history....maybe make the newspapers and have people blog randomly about my blog. It'll happen.
Also, I like to give nicknames to all of my parts...especially the ones I can't see. Especially my nether regions. Like my ovaries, I named Bert and Frank (it came to me in a dream, I swear).
The V zone, I give TONS of names. TONS. One of which is Whositwhatsits. Another of which is The Holy Grail.
Anyway, so I went to Dr. Moustache (he had a great, large, white, moustache) and after asking me if two students and an RN could watch my doctor perform a whatever procedure he does down there, there was so many people that I could hold a lecture, a class, conduct a statistically sound survey and probably write a research paper about my experience.
There was so many people in the room.....my Whositwhatsits probably felt special. After doing whatever the hell he's digging around down there, he looks up at me and says, "Your problems can probably be reduced by almost eliminating carbohydrate and sugar intake."
Then I say, "WHAT."
At this point, he probably misunderstood and thought I did not know what carbohydrate means....because he said, "Like, pasta, rice, potatoes, candy, sugar, and chocolate."
MY LIFE IS OVER.
THIS IS THE END OF ME.
After the shock of being naked, embarrassed, red-in-the-face and insulted by even the mention of giving up the holy trinity of foods: Pasta, Potatoes, Chocolate....I said, absolutely serious, "What else is there to eat?"--me
At this time.....probably due to the nudity....the only thing I could come up with to eat, after all of those eliminations was: WATER.
In my head, I thought, Could I only eat water for the rest of my life. That's gonna be rough.

Of course, Dr. Moustache starts rattling off the limited number of options:
"Well, there is meat..."
Then I said, "DONE."
And then, he smiled and continued..."Vegetables..."
"Ooh....well. We'll see," I said with squinted eyes and a frowned mouth.
This is how I am leaving this world, I am sure of it.
"And dairy is okay too."--Dr. Moustache.
"Well....I think I am lactose intolerant, so.....probably not."
"And....fruit. Fresh fruit."---D.M.
"Well, that's okay...but, we'll have to negotiate the other foods. I can't just eat meat and bananas for the rest of my life."---me
(Literally stuttering), "Bbbut, what about the vegetables?"---D.M.
"Vegetables might have to take a backseat....or earn my respect."---me
I am so funny in the nude and exposed to 4 people in the medical realm.

next up.....Dreams I've had.